Control

I've always been at least mostly fatalistic. I've always felt that nobody was in control, but what happens, happens. But at Falls Creek '09, God changed my life. He showed me that I'm not in control, but He is. He wants what is best for me, and He will give me what is best for me. He won't tempt me beyond my power, He won't try me beyond what I will be able to press through. He loves me like nobody else can, like nobody else will. And that's comforting. He will give me the opportunities to do what needs to be done. If it happens, it will be good for me, and if it's good for me, it will happen. This is so exciting! Because I know now that if the girl I love doesn't love me in return, it's okay. There is someone far better in store for me on the road ahead. And that's okay. So in this, I find peace. In this, I find comfort. And in this, for the first time, I find hope. Thank you, Lord, for loving me enough to come and die for me, to save me from my sleep. Thank you for not letting me go through the motions, either. Thank you for making my relationship with you real and personal. Thank you for bringing people like Lexie and Austin and even Tyler into my life. Let your will be done in me, please, I'm begging you. Give me the strength to read my Bible to better understand what You need me to do. And to think that You would use your boundless power to help us, mere humans, Your creations. That You would bother with me, as much as I've screwed up and strayed. Thank you, so much.

"I Love You"

Three words. Eight letters. And yet... a hundred thousand words of meaning. So many things that could be said, that need to be said, that are said with these three words. "I love you." Three words that can fortify or destroy a relationship. Three words that mean everything to me. But why are they so significant? Dictionary.com defines love as: "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." Is that all? Doesn't it feel like it means so much more? Because when you hear this phrase, something... ignites. "Breaks" is the word that I would use. Break in the sense that it's not as it usually is. But, man... if when I remind her that I love her, she feels the way that I did when she told me that she loves me? I would be happier than I've ever been in my life. I hope this helps your image. ;)

The River

I dive in

expecting cool refreshment

and instead receive

retribution

Don't get me wrong!

The river in itself isn't the retribution.

In fact, it IS refreshment.

But my misconceptions may prove fatal.

I removed my steel armor to swim,

assured that the River would protect

from the fiery sword of Hate

But the river can't carry me away

as swift as is necessary.

But perhaps it's my fault

for not removing the armor gradually as I was swept away

or not waiting for a hurricane to speed the current

but I was so anxious...

and it looked so inviting.

Hopeless

And, oh, how to put into words the devestation, the wasteland that my emotional landscape has become?

My God, how to describe the one element of Life that feels so close but is so out of reach?

It's indescribable, this Deadening, the Silence brought on by Depression. Is not Nothing, Something? Nothing simply is filled by pain, dissolving into Nothing, filling with pain... it's a vicious circle.

I can't even tell you how I long for her quiet reassurance! Just a hand on my arm, if I'm lucky, her hand in mine. A gaze into her eyes and she reminds me to Kill the Wires. It will be okay. I tell her that it had better be. I want to tell her how much I love that she shouted Never!, that she hates silence as much as I do.

You can't even conceive how frustrating my limitations are! I want to give her the whole world, to BLOW HER AWAY! And I open my mouth to try and explain and apologize. To try and explain how I stumbled over my tongue, to apologize for not being the best person to live in two thousand years. I open my mouth, and... nothing. The words don't come. A curse. The sound of an unbelievably hopeless, desperate guy hanging up in despair.

When Tomorrow Comes, Today Is Now Yesterday

Why should we live through the day? After all, at the end of the day, I'm still reaching, desperately praying for something to grasp. At the end of time, what did we accomplish? Without God, where (and just as importantly, what) am I? Probably the only reason I've made it through is because of my love for someone. And at the end of the day, that's all I've got... is my curse of Reasoning and my Love for someone. Doesn't that suck? I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm SCREAMING for answers. I NEED a purpose. After all, Anberlin (from Never Take Friendship Personal) says, "The greatest tragedy is not your death, but a life without reason (a life without purpose)".

Well, got that all out. Enjoy.

Pride

Left Monitor, I want you to know how proud I am of you. I'm proud of you for being a terrific writer. I'm proud of you for being real, for not just writing for the sake of writing or using big fancy words to try and make up for your lack of genuine inspiration. I'm proud of you for inviting me to church. I'm proud of you for managing to both tie up my tongue and inspire my pen (and my strings.) Honestly. You've managed to keep me writing to the point where I'm sitting here on the computer (which, by the way, I don't do) and typing you yet another letter, reiterating these points for the umpteenth time. (And that wasn't the first time I've told you that, I'll bet.)

Ooooh, blogging is fun!

Until you run out of words to say.