We Sit in a Raincloud

We float above the desert
our tears bring new life
and water to the wasteland
our laughs are like the thunder
Her eyes reflect the moonlight
and it's...
bright.
Like the lightning.

And we watch the ground below us
the glow of her smile coaxes out
the life that must exist in the wasteland
And the flowers quietly bloom
the animals come out of their caves
and they play, and are
happy

Of course, this couldn't last forever
she can only be happy for so long
and I swear, the moment her smile faded
the new life faded with it.
And the masterpiece that was laid out before us
is once again a blank canvas.

I've Been Okay

I've been okay, lately.
Spendin' my days happy.
I've been okay, lately.
And I'm sure you know why.

The sadness is gone,
For the first time in a while.
No reason to cry
When I'm wearin' a genuine smile.

When I look back, I can see that
It's not all that bad.
And now the clouds have gone
I've got no reason to be sad!

The clouds have moved away
and now I see your face
There's no reason to stay
In this cramped, little space
I want the sun's rays
on our backs as we race through the fields of love!

...

"Take chances!"

What about the times when all you get is screwed?

Where Have I Gone?

There's nothing to say anymore.

Innocence

Look what you've done!
New life lays in ruins.
You've spoiled it now, you've spoiled it again.
Spoiled is too nice a word for what you've done

I'll tear out your lungs! I'll tear out your lungs!
I'll rip out your eyes
but what's been done has been done.
You've turned what was white to black.

You, you who insist we're all just a shade of gray.

Oh! You should have seen how she cried on my shoulder.

I don't care how sorry you are. I don't care about your worthless new leaf.
I just want to see you suffer. I just want to see your limbs torn apart.

I am the shade of gray. She has become black. And you... you have done what you could to take the white for yourself. But all you've done is soil it.

I'll destroy you; just you watch.

You'll destroy me; just you watch.

What are you doing, Brian?

Look at yourself. I thought you were trying to get over all of that. I thought there was something better in store for you. So what's your deal? Why are you so sad? Get happy. Do you really want to? I don't know. I'm just me. How am I supposed to know these things? >.< Nothing you're doing is helping. In fact, it only seems to be making it worse. So do you really want to get happy? Maybe you should stop relishing the sadness. What a strange concept. "Relishing the sadness." But it's exactly what you're doing. So, what is it that you're feeling this time? Anger? Sadness? Something else? Tell me. Do you even know? Obviously not. Now I'm mad at you. Therefore, you're mad. What are you mad at? Yourself? I think you're mad at the fact that you let someone in. Someone who you were so glad to have in, but now, you're just regretful. How could you let this happen?! There was something disarming in her smile. In her eyes. In the way she loved you, even if you were a complete screw-up. (And that's being nice about it.) And now you just want to resolve to never let that happen again. Why would you? No, that would be a mistake. Or would it? Maybe, just maybe, you could try again. But why should you? You know where THAT goes. But maybe it was your own fault. Maybe you could just... not screw up this time. Yeah. Or not. What's the other option? "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." So, is it worth it?

Eyes Open

Just looking into someone's eyes for a prolonged period of time can bring you to a place of intimacy with another person. There's so many stories behind what those circles of blue and green have seen in their lifetime.

I've decided that I like my eyes. They're... not "piercing." They're not too dark. They're... shaded. They're protected. Almost as though there's something I have to say, but only if I judge you trustworthy. And, to be quite honest, that's how it is. For those of you who are actually reading this, chances are, you know me. You're one of the few people that really know me. I'm not saying that this is some kind of outrageous honor, but it's a rare thing.

I am Metal. I am... withdrawn. I am introverted. I may not be original, but I'm myself. That's okay. There's an infinite, yet finite, number of colors on the color wheel of our world. I'm somewhere in there. Nearly the exact same color as someone next to me, but ever so infinitesimally lighter or darker than everyone else. And that's fine.

There Are No Words

I'll wait you out.
I'm calling your bluff.
You're blocking me out,
I swear I'll break in.

Only time will tell!
But I'm sick of being out in the cold.
They say time will tell.
Prove it. Meanwhile, I'm getting old.

Nobody's ever been able
to elicit this reaction from me.
My heart's been cold, but
You've got the power to melt me down.

Only time will tell!
But I'm sick of being alone.
They say time will tell.
Prove it. Meanwhile, I'm falling apart.

How can you do this to me?
I'd thought it impossible
until the night when I died
and God brought me back to life.

Now it's my turn to break you down!

Because love is the means!
By which we're changed
by which we're saved,
by which I'm redeemed.

So sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I really don't want to write yet another blog post about her. Not right now, anyway. Considering that it'll just be ramblings of intense desire and wishful thinking. What happens, happens, I suppose. So today, I'm going to blog about dancing in the rain. It rained here the other day, so I went outside (shirtless... ooh, tasty) and listened to John Mayer while spontaneously running and chasing birds and telling dogs to go home. But why is that so fun? A change of pace? I doubt if you can even put it that simply. There's something special about breaking the order of the ordinary. Something surreal, something blissful. I'm not sure where I'm going with this... ughh. I'm so tired. Sorry... my writing isn't at it's best right now.

Obsolete

Sometimes you need to pop in your earbuds and turn up your favorite indie as loud as it will go. Then you remove yourself to a semi-remote location and survey the chaos in front of you. And then... you're finally calm. You remember what it is that you're trying to accomplish by living. Sorry. My muse is... off. It'll turn back on later. But there's no experience quite like centering yourself in the midst of uncertainty. Obsolete by Mute Math is quite possibly the best song for doing that that I've ever heard. Brothers on a Hotel Bed by Death Cab for Cutie would be the second if it weren't so quiet. Anyways, I thought I would share my current thought. I refuse to let a paragraph go to waste. :)

Control

I've always been at least mostly fatalistic. I've always felt that nobody was in control, but what happens, happens. But at Falls Creek '09, God changed my life. He showed me that I'm not in control, but He is. He wants what is best for me, and He will give me what is best for me. He won't tempt me beyond my power, He won't try me beyond what I will be able to press through. He loves me like nobody else can, like nobody else will. And that's comforting. He will give me the opportunities to do what needs to be done. If it happens, it will be good for me, and if it's good for me, it will happen. This is so exciting! Because I know now that if the girl I love doesn't love me in return, it's okay. There is someone far better in store for me on the road ahead. And that's okay. So in this, I find peace. In this, I find comfort. And in this, for the first time, I find hope. Thank you, Lord, for loving me enough to come and die for me, to save me from my sleep. Thank you for not letting me go through the motions, either. Thank you for making my relationship with you real and personal. Thank you for bringing people like Lexie and Austin and even Tyler into my life. Let your will be done in me, please, I'm begging you. Give me the strength to read my Bible to better understand what You need me to do. And to think that You would use your boundless power to help us, mere humans, Your creations. That You would bother with me, as much as I've screwed up and strayed. Thank you, so much.

"I Love You"

Three words. Eight letters. And yet... a hundred thousand words of meaning. So many things that could be said, that need to be said, that are said with these three words. "I love you." Three words that can fortify or destroy a relationship. Three words that mean everything to me. But why are they so significant? Dictionary.com defines love as: "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." Is that all? Doesn't it feel like it means so much more? Because when you hear this phrase, something... ignites. "Breaks" is the word that I would use. Break in the sense that it's not as it usually is. But, man... if when I remind her that I love her, she feels the way that I did when she told me that she loves me? I would be happier than I've ever been in my life. I hope this helps your image. ;)

The River

I dive in

expecting cool refreshment

and instead receive

retribution

Don't get me wrong!

The river in itself isn't the retribution.

In fact, it IS refreshment.

But my misconceptions may prove fatal.

I removed my steel armor to swim,

assured that the River would protect

from the fiery sword of Hate

But the river can't carry me away

as swift as is necessary.

But perhaps it's my fault

for not removing the armor gradually as I was swept away

or not waiting for a hurricane to speed the current

but I was so anxious...

and it looked so inviting.

Hopeless

And, oh, how to put into words the devestation, the wasteland that my emotional landscape has become?

My God, how to describe the one element of Life that feels so close but is so out of reach?

It's indescribable, this Deadening, the Silence brought on by Depression. Is not Nothing, Something? Nothing simply is filled by pain, dissolving into Nothing, filling with pain... it's a vicious circle.

I can't even tell you how I long for her quiet reassurance! Just a hand on my arm, if I'm lucky, her hand in mine. A gaze into her eyes and she reminds me to Kill the Wires. It will be okay. I tell her that it had better be. I want to tell her how much I love that she shouted Never!, that she hates silence as much as I do.

You can't even conceive how frustrating my limitations are! I want to give her the whole world, to BLOW HER AWAY! And I open my mouth to try and explain and apologize. To try and explain how I stumbled over my tongue, to apologize for not being the best person to live in two thousand years. I open my mouth, and... nothing. The words don't come. A curse. The sound of an unbelievably hopeless, desperate guy hanging up in despair.

When Tomorrow Comes, Today Is Now Yesterday

Why should we live through the day? After all, at the end of the day, I'm still reaching, desperately praying for something to grasp. At the end of time, what did we accomplish? Without God, where (and just as importantly, what) am I? Probably the only reason I've made it through is because of my love for someone. And at the end of the day, that's all I've got... is my curse of Reasoning and my Love for someone. Doesn't that suck? I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm SCREAMING for answers. I NEED a purpose. After all, Anberlin (from Never Take Friendship Personal) says, "The greatest tragedy is not your death, but a life without reason (a life without purpose)".

Well, got that all out. Enjoy.

Pride

Left Monitor, I want you to know how proud I am of you. I'm proud of you for being a terrific writer. I'm proud of you for being real, for not just writing for the sake of writing or using big fancy words to try and make up for your lack of genuine inspiration. I'm proud of you for inviting me to church. I'm proud of you for managing to both tie up my tongue and inspire my pen (and my strings.) Honestly. You've managed to keep me writing to the point where I'm sitting here on the computer (which, by the way, I don't do) and typing you yet another letter, reiterating these points for the umpteenth time. (And that wasn't the first time I've told you that, I'll bet.)

Ooooh, blogging is fun!

Until you run out of words to say.